Chapter 29
For a long time after she had left Yajnyawalkya's congregation, Gargi did not know what had driven her to take the discipleship of a man whom she had secretly wished to conquer. What had happened to her resolve? Her clear intellect had never accepted anything on trust. Her quest for empirical knowledge had sharpened her intellect into a weapon with which she could demolish any argument that she believed to have no foundation in reason.
But she had just returned with a glimpse of a realm that she could not conquer; not with the weapons she had!
She had seen how insensitive Yajnyawalkya was to polemical aggression. She had spent the greater part of her time and energy in devising strategies for conquest, defence or demolition. A feeling of profound gloom and depletion set upon her. She had no thought of the future. She wanted to live! That was all that mattered at the moment. It did not matter if she had to wrench life from its source. She sat up and looked at the night sky that was visible from the window.
She got up and threw the door of the hut wide open. The cold winter wind rushed in through the door like a raving lunatic, sifting through her garments, stinging her all over. Gargi shuddered and closed the door as swiftly as she had opened it. She returned to the familiar warmth of the hearth. She felt disarmed and bereft of all certainty. Her masks fell off one by one. She remembered a dream that had unsettled her for quite some time. Rows and rows of glittering idols were being demolished one by one, one row leading to another falling flat, and yet there was no end to the process.
Gargi looked out again at the patch of the midnight sky, alluring because it seemed to arrest the infinity in that well-defined square. She breathed deeply, as if to absorb it within herself. After that breath she did not know what was happening to her. It was as if some unseen presence had whispered the seed-syllable into her ear and held her transfixed.
For a long time after she had left Yajnyawalkya's congregation, Gargi did not know what had driven her to take the discipleship of a man whom she had secretly wished to conquer. What had happened to her resolve? Her clear intellect had never accepted anything on trust. Her quest for empirical knowledge had sharpened her intellect into a weapon with which she could demolish any argument that she believed to have no foundation in reason.
But she had just returned with a glimpse of a realm that she could not conquer; not with the weapons she had!
She had seen how insensitive Yajnyawalkya was to polemical aggression. She had spent the greater part of her time and energy in devising strategies for conquest, defence or demolition. A feeling of profound gloom and depletion set upon her. She had no thought of the future. She wanted to live! That was all that mattered at the moment. It did not matter if she had to wrench life from its source. She sat up and looked at the night sky that was visible from the window.
She got up and threw the door of the hut wide open. The cold winter wind rushed in through the door like a raving lunatic, sifting through her garments, stinging her all over. Gargi shuddered and closed the door as swiftly as she had opened it. She returned to the familiar warmth of the hearth. She felt disarmed and bereft of all certainty. Her masks fell off one by one. She remembered a dream that had unsettled her for quite some time. Rows and rows of glittering idols were being demolished one by one, one row leading to another falling flat, and yet there was no end to the process.
Gargi looked out again at the patch of the midnight sky, alluring because it seemed to arrest the infinity in that well-defined square. She breathed deeply, as if to absorb it within herself. After that breath she did not know what was happening to her. It was as if some unseen presence had whispered the seed-syllable into her ear and held her transfixed.
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