Chapter45
Yajnyawalkya was suddenly accosted by Katyayani as he was on his way to Janaka’s palace. She was like a blazing tongue of fire. Even as she stood away from him, the sparks that flew from the fire could scald him. She could have annihilated him then and there, had she so wished.
Katyayani knew what she wanted to do. She was well aware what her words could do when she needed to use them. There was no going ahead for Yajnyawalkya without encountering Katyayani and without answering the question in her eyes.
He stepped forward and held her hand. She would fain have shaken it off, but could not bring herself to do so. She was his wife, his better-half. She had to share his ‘karmas’, both good and bad.
Her eyes were taking him in. She was absorbing his living presence like a plant soaking water from earth, and with the sap rising through her veins, she felt, she was growing new leaves and stretching her branches to receive the sun.
He led her in silently to his cottage. Katyayani followed him like a doe in search of water.
It was a warm sunny afternoon. Katyayani closed the door behind her and turned to look at Yajnyawalkya. Her stance suggested that all his routes of escape were sealed now.
She refused to sit down. She was straining to hear, see and feel the silence between them. There was no redemption for him unless he faced her. Years of separation had given her a power over him which he could not deny.
A wave of compassion, tenderness and love swept over him as he stood looking at her. He could see how her soul and body spoke in unison.
They felt each other without touching the skin, heard each other without a word being uttered, saw without looking at each other.
It was Katyayani who broke the silence.
“How could you? How could you bring this misery to us? Did we fail in our duty to you as your spouses? Tell me, do we deserve this?”
Her vehemence could have uprooted Yajnyawalkya if nothing else could. She took his silence to mean admission of guilt, and went on with an intensity that would not let her stop.
“Name the cause of all this. And if you can’t, I will. It is Gargi who has cast her magic spell on you. Do I not know how she has ensnared men? She is the Maya, the illusion, which men will men will forever seek as trutht! What makes me sad is that you were no exception! She lured you into abandoning your kins and made you worship her. Do you believe her to be some sort of a
94
goddess, enshrined high above us: the women of earth? She is a lie! She is a lie that should tell you the truth. Open your eyes, Yajnyawalkya, and tell me if I am wrong!”
Her words seared Yajnyawalkya like hot embers. She was taking his selfhood to shreds. She made him look, not at herself, but at his own self.
He had never felt so forsaken and alone! His self seemed to have forsaken him, leaving behind only a shadow! In that brief moment of uneasy silence, as Katyayani was groping for words, time seemed to stand still. Rage, agony, deprivation--- all seemed to converge in Katyayani and swept her off her feet like a torrent.
Perhaps the god in her decided to take control. For the first time she looked at Yajnyawalkya and noticed how weary and withdrawn he was. Time had left its mark on both of them! She felt a lump of pain in her throat that would not let her speak. She stared at him in astonishment, and if someone were to hold a mirror up to her, she would have stared at her own image too, with the same astonishment.
What did she come here for? To claim her husband, or to claim his soul? No, she would not claim his soul and leave him to be a shell of his former self. But then what was she to do? What kind of sacrifice was being demanded of her? Gargi or no Gargi, Yajnyawalkya must be his own self. Maitreyi was true after all! How could you own a man?
No, this very day: she—Katyayani--- would leave Videha, ‘the Disembodied State!’ She would leave this alien country and find comfort in her own soil where she belonged. It was waiting out there, to take her in. True, she would go back emptied of all her belongings, her earning of a life-time. So what? She would partake of only what she earned. There was not a morsel that was left from yesterday and no morsel would she be able to save for the morrow. That was the lesson of karma for her. She had fought it long, but now no longer!
She took a deep breath and paused. She remembered the promise she had made to Maitreyi: “I will not return without him!” She felt sad, not for herself, but for that blameless soul!
Yajnyawalkya watched her as she fought back her tears. He wanted to move closer to hold her to him as in the early days of their marriage. But years of separation had built a wall between them. Everything sounded false—his words, his being there, her being disconsolate!
Still he made an effort, somehow feeling in his heart that she yearned for it.
She melted in his arms. “Stay wherever you find what you are seeking,” she said. “ We do not want to force ourselves on you”
Yajnyawalkya did not know what he needed to say at that moment.
“Let us spend this day together. I will compensate for whatever was withheld from you,” he said.
Katyayani looked at him in disbelief. At that moment she forgot that she was wronged. She felt
95
fulfilled. She could have done anything. She could even given him away to Gargi, because she knew, Gargi held no power over him any longer.
………………….
Yajnayawalkya and Katyayani talked to each other as never before. He felt light and refreshed, listening to her unassuming tale of their life together. Katyayani was recounting what he was like when they first knew each other.
“Do you remember what a conceited young man you were when you were the disciple of your uncle Vaishampayana? He wanted his disciples to do penance for his sake for cleansing the bad effect of some karmic error he had committed.
“I know,” Yajnyawalkya laughed.
“You had told him not to trust his own karma to those dissolute fellows who themselves did not know which way they were going. Not only that, you had boasted that you alone were capable of doing penance for him, because you were pure in body and soul.”
“That wasn’t conceit, Katyayani! I had plainly spoken the truth.”
But you could have done it with tact. Instead, you en compliance would have saved us from a lot of hardship and misery you brought upon us. Your uncle Vaishampayana pronounced you guilty of causing offence to your Guru, called you reprobate, and ordered you out of the academy. Not just that, he disowned you and asked you to return the knowledge of Vedas that you had received from him. He forbade you to teach those Vedas.”
“Yes! But what kind of knowledge was that after all? A whole lot of mindless rituals, and endless vanity! Why do you forget that I acquired my philosophy by my own efforts? I applied my mind and I can claim that my own relentless worship of the Sun made me what I am. I sought the Sun-god in my own self. I acknowledge no other Guru than the Sun, the source of all energy! I have no regrets for what I did!”
Katyayani stared at him in amazement. Yajnyawalkya turned to look at her. He realized that the conversation had taken a wrong turn. He put his hand on Katyayani’s head, as if to calm her. Katyayani yearned for that reassuring touch. She held his hand and made it stay on her head a little longer. Her dependence on him filled him with infinite compassion. She realized what he was trying to say.
The storm within her had subsided. She smiled contentedly at him. There was a spark in her eyes as she looked at him. She held his hands and said imploringly, “I too have been wicked to you. Maitreyi and myself have withheld from you something which belongs to you: your son! He is ten years now and he wants to see you.”
Yajnyawalkya closed his eyes in deep surprise. For ten years he had been swayed by irreconcilable passions, desires--- swinging violently between revulsion and attraction,
96
infatuation and disillusionment, responsibility of mentorship and the freedom of asceticism.
Unknown to him, his world back there had rejected him. He tried to imagine who his son must have taken after. He uttered the words to get the feel of him---“My son!”
“You brought him up in mu absence! Why did you withhold this knowledge from me?”
“Because we wanted to prove to the world that we could do without you! I came here to reconcile you to your world. But I hated you; I hated you all these years. I wonder whether we really want you back!”
Yajnyawalkya looked at her. She was not addressing him. She was pronouncing her feelings to herself.
Strangely, her words did not make him bitter; he felt happy for her. He saw how she had grown in stature without being aware of it. Her resolve to end her emotional dependence was her first glimpse of self-awareness. He felt liberated in her freedom.
He quietly encircled her with his arms and said, “Stay like this; I love you for what you are!”
Katyayani closed her eyes. Time ceased to matter in that moment. Tomorrow could wait. The past had no relevance. Her world was not going to change in a big way. But nothing mattered to her. She was strong enough to face whatever life had in store for her, because she was herself and knew that nothing in the world could take away from her what she held within
Katyayani knew what she wanted to do. She was well aware what her words could do when she needed to use them. There was no going ahead for Yajnyawalkya without encountering Katyayani and without answering the question in her eyes.
He stepped forward and held her hand. She would fain have shaken it off, but could not bring herself to do so. She was his wife, his better-half. She had to share his ‘karmas’, both good and bad.
Her eyes were taking him in. She was absorbing his living presence like a plant soaking water from earth, and with the sap rising through her veins, she felt, she was growing new leaves and stretching her branches to receive the sun.
He led her in silently to his cottage. Katyayani followed him like a doe in search of water.
It was a warm sunny afternoon. Katyayani closed the door behind her and turned to look at Yajnyawalkya. Her stance suggested that all his routes of escape were sealed now.
She refused to sit down. She was straining to hear, see and feel the silence between them. There was no redemption for him unless he faced her. Years of separation had given her a power over him which he could not deny.
A wave of compassion, tenderness and love swept over him as he stood looking at her. He could see how her soul and body spoke in unison.
They felt each other without touching the skin, heard each other without a word being uttered, saw without looking at each other.
It was Katyayani who broke the silence.
“How could you? How could you bring this misery to us? Did we fail in our duty to you as your spouses? Tell me, do we deserve this?”
Her vehemence could have uprooted Yajnyawalkya if nothing else could. She took his silence to mean admission of guilt, and went on with an intensity that would not let her stop.
“Name the cause of all this. And if you can’t, I will. It is Gargi who has cast her magic spell on you. Do I not know how she has ensnared men? She is the Maya, the illusion, which men will men will forever seek as trutht! What makes me sad is that you were no exception! She lured you into abandoning your kins and made you worship her. Do you believe her to be some sort of a
94
goddess, enshrined high above us: the women of earth? She is a lie! She is a lie that should tell you the truth. Open your eyes, Yajnyawalkya, and tell me if I am wrong!”
Her words seared Yajnyawalkya like hot embers. She was taking his selfhood to shreds. She made him look, not at herself, but at his own self.
He had never felt so forsaken and alone! His self seemed to have forsaken him, leaving behind only a shadow! In that brief moment of uneasy silence, as Katyayani was groping for words, time seemed to stand still. Rage, agony, deprivation--- all seemed to converge in Katyayani and swept her off her feet like a torrent.
Perhaps the god in her decided to take control. For the first time she looked at Yajnyawalkya and noticed how weary and withdrawn he was. Time had left its mark on both of them! She felt a lump of pain in her throat that would not let her speak. She stared at him in astonishment, and if someone were to hold a mirror up to her, she would have stared at her own image too, with the same astonishment.
What did she come here for? To claim her husband, or to claim his soul? No, she would not claim his soul and leave him to be a shell of his former self. But then what was she to do? What kind of sacrifice was being demanded of her? Gargi or no Gargi, Yajnyawalkya must be his own self. Maitreyi was true after all! How could you own a man?
No, this very day: she—Katyayani--- would leave Videha, ‘the Disembodied State!’ She would leave this alien country and find comfort in her own soil where she belonged. It was waiting out there, to take her in. True, she would go back emptied of all her belongings, her earning of a life-time. So what? She would partake of only what she earned. There was not a morsel that was left from yesterday and no morsel would she be able to save for the morrow. That was the lesson of karma for her. She had fought it long, but now no longer!
She took a deep breath and paused. She remembered the promise she had made to Maitreyi: “I will not return without him!” She felt sad, not for herself, but for that blameless soul!
Yajnyawalkya watched her as she fought back her tears. He wanted to move closer to hold her to him as in the early days of their marriage. But years of separation had built a wall between them. Everything sounded false—his words, his being there, her being disconsolate!
Still he made an effort, somehow feeling in his heart that she yearned for it.
She melted in his arms. “Stay wherever you find what you are seeking,” she said. “ We do not want to force ourselves on you”
Yajnyawalkya did not know what he needed to say at that moment.
“Let us spend this day together. I will compensate for whatever was withheld from you,” he said.
Katyayani looked at him in disbelief. At that moment she forgot that she was wronged. She felt
95
fulfilled. She could have done anything. She could even given him away to Gargi, because she knew, Gargi held no power over him any longer.
………………….
Yajnayawalkya and Katyayani talked to each other as never before. He felt light and refreshed, listening to her unassuming tale of their life together. Katyayani was recounting what he was like when they first knew each other.
“Do you remember what a conceited young man you were when you were the disciple of your uncle Vaishampayana? He wanted his disciples to do penance for his sake for cleansing the bad effect of some karmic error he had committed.
“I know,” Yajnyawalkya laughed.
“You had told him not to trust his own karma to those dissolute fellows who themselves did not know which way they were going. Not only that, you had boasted that you alone were capable of doing penance for him, because you were pure in body and soul.”
“That wasn’t conceit, Katyayani! I had plainly spoken the truth.”
But you could have done it with tact. Instead, you en compliance would have saved us from a lot of hardship and misery you brought upon us. Your uncle Vaishampayana pronounced you guilty of causing offence to your Guru, called you reprobate, and ordered you out of the academy. Not just that, he disowned you and asked you to return the knowledge of Vedas that you had received from him. He forbade you to teach those Vedas.”
“Yes! But what kind of knowledge was that after all? A whole lot of mindless rituals, and endless vanity! Why do you forget that I acquired my philosophy by my own efforts? I applied my mind and I can claim that my own relentless worship of the Sun made me what I am. I sought the Sun-god in my own self. I acknowledge no other Guru than the Sun, the source of all energy! I have no regrets for what I did!”
Katyayani stared at him in amazement. Yajnyawalkya turned to look at her. He realized that the conversation had taken a wrong turn. He put his hand on Katyayani’s head, as if to calm her. Katyayani yearned for that reassuring touch. She held his hand and made it stay on her head a little longer. Her dependence on him filled him with infinite compassion. She realized what he was trying to say.
The storm within her had subsided. She smiled contentedly at him. There was a spark in her eyes as she looked at him. She held his hands and said imploringly, “I too have been wicked to you. Maitreyi and myself have withheld from you something which belongs to you: your son! He is ten years now and he wants to see you.”
Yajnyawalkya closed his eyes in deep surprise. For ten years he had been swayed by irreconcilable passions, desires--- swinging violently between revulsion and attraction,
96
infatuation and disillusionment, responsibility of mentorship and the freedom of asceticism.
Unknown to him, his world back there had rejected him. He tried to imagine who his son must have taken after. He uttered the words to get the feel of him---“My son!”
“You brought him up in mu absence! Why did you withhold this knowledge from me?”
“Because we wanted to prove to the world that we could do without you! I came here to reconcile you to your world. But I hated you; I hated you all these years. I wonder whether we really want you back!”
Yajnyawalkya looked at her. She was not addressing him. She was pronouncing her feelings to herself.
Strangely, her words did not make him bitter; he felt happy for her. He saw how she had grown in stature without being aware of it. Her resolve to end her emotional dependence was her first glimpse of self-awareness. He felt liberated in her freedom.
He quietly encircled her with his arms and said, “Stay like this; I love you for what you are!”
Katyayani closed her eyes. Time ceased to matter in that moment. Tomorrow could wait. The past had no relevance. Her world was not going to change in a big way. But nothing mattered to her. She was strong enough to face whatever life had in store for her, because she was herself and knew that nothing in the world could take away from her what she held within
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